Dr. Erika James challenged entering freshmen of The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania with these words this fall, including an unusual academic goal: intentionally find and become “friendtors:” friends who bring out the highest and best in each other as they grow and develop together. She expanded on her challenge in this LinkedIn article titled “My Back-To-School Advice: Go Find Your ‘Friendtors.’”
Dr. James’ Personal “Friendtoring” Story:
An article in Forbes Magazine sheds light on how Dr. James’ beliefs on friendtoring were shaped. As a young student, she bonded with Lynn Perry Wooten. Their unique camaraderie began in an auditorium, waiting for a tardy professor. Over time, their bond solidified, leading them to mentor each other in education, career, and family. Fast forward, and Dr. James is now the Dean of The Wharton School of Business, while Dr. Wooten presides over Simmons College.
Timeless Value of Peer Support:
The term “friendtoring” may be new, but deeply committed, long-term peer relationships have been around for centuries. Supportive friendships shape us to become more thoughtful, resilient, and effective in our lives. So how can we encourage and teach adolescents to meaningfully support their friends without becoming imbalanced (codependent, overly competitive, etc.)?
Set Boundaries. It’s important for students to understand that they lack the experience and training of a professional therapist or psychologist—they should be encouraged to show compassion, but also to seek adult intervention when a friend may be in crisis.
Suggest Small Steps. Parents and educators can cultivate healthy peer support by suggesting mindsets and actions that students can begin to develop and expect, building their capacity for deep, healthy, meaningful peer-to-peer support. Here are 10 example suggestions:
- Value Reciprocity: Find peers who genuinely appreciate you.
- Beneficial Bilateralism: Actively seek ways to assist and be assisted.
- Uplift and Validate: Celebrate each other’s skills and resilience.
- Presence Over Solutions: Often, just being there is more powerful than solutions.
- Trust Goes Both Ways: Share openly and confidently.
- Empathetic Listening: Offer feedback without prejudice.
- Speak the Truth: Recognize strengths and address weaknesses honestly.
- Promote Growth: Support shouldn’t stagnate. It should motivate.
- Consistent Communication: Keep the lines of communication open.
- Elevate When Needed: Recognize when it’s time to involve an adult.
Students, irrespective of age, have the potential to offer and gain genuine support from peers. To tap into their full potential—and the benefits of supportive friendships—they need guidance in nurturing the correct mindset and actions. Dr. James beautifully encapsulates this sentiment: “the people who will eventually become lifelong friends propelling your future personal and professional endeavors are often right there beside you, starting the same journey.”
About TLC
The Lincoln Center for Family and Youth (TLC) is a social enterprise company serving the Greater Philadelphia Area. Among its five divisions, TLC offers School-based Staffing Solutions, Mobile Coaching and Counseling, and Heather’s Hope: A Center for Victims of Crime. These major programs are united under TLC’s mission to promote positive choices and cultivate meaningful connections through education, counseling, coaching, and consulting.
About the Author
MaryJo Burchard (Ph.D. in Organizational Leadership) is co-founder and principal of Concord Solutions, a Virginia-based consultancy firm focused on helping leaders and organizations thrive while facing major disruption. Concord Solutions offers consulting, coaching, training, research, and keynote speaking surrounding trauma-informed leadership and assessing and building change readiness, trust, and belonging.