Two first-graders sit listening to a math lesson. One of the boys, Miles, is rapidly wiggling his legs, causing the boys’ desks to bump repeatedly against each other. When Jake, the boy next to him, nudges Miles to stop, Miles flares up and angrily shoves Jake to the floor. A startled Jake lands on his back, crying.
The math lesson is interrupted.
What happens next? In many schools, Miles probably gets a public rebuke, a time out, detention, or perhaps a suspension, if this is not the first time. What’s missing is awareness of the underlying causes and needs behind the incident. This insight can facilitate a more effective resolution of the conflict and prevent unwanted behavior but equips the teacher to respond in a way that solves a deeper issue and communicates to every person in the room that they matter.
The rest of the story: Miles spent the night trying to keep his two-year-old sister distracted and quiet while his parents fought. Dinner did not happen, because the children could not leave their bedroom. This morning, Miles missed the bus, so by the time he arrived at school, the breakfast he relies upon five days a week was already over. This was his fifth day being marked tardy, earning him another detention. Miles struggled to focus in math class because he had not eaten since lunch yesterday, and his anxiety about his family’s instability was almost unbearable.
Miles lives out every day completely uncomfortable in his own life. Lost in his anxious thoughts, Miles did not realize he was wiggling his legs, but Jake’s irritated nudge jolted Miles into reality. His frantic musings were eclipsed by a surge of embarrassed anger. The shove was a visceral response that shocked both boys.
This moment was a red flag. If the teacher cannot recognize Miles’s disproportionately extreme action as a distress signal, his action can only be explained by labeling him a bad kid, or at minimum, a kid with a bad temper who needs to be taught a lesson. Miles could not tell his teacher “why he did that,” let alone why he was angry. Miles is just trying to keep surviving, in a life where chaos is normal and he, at six, is the primary caregiver of his little sister.
Miles is trauma-impacted.Though Miles is not a real person, stories like his play out in countless classrooms every day.
Restorative practices can bring hope for Miles, his teacher, and his classmates. A full spectrum of restorative practices can help both Miles and his teacher understand and respond in new ways.
The first restorative step
Miles has disconnected himself from his feelings to survive his stressful, chaotic reality. Before he can start choosing better responses, Miles needs to learn how to recognize his thoughts and feelings as they occur and connect these feelings to what is happening around him. Affective statements and affective questions can help get started.
Affective statements describe how situations, words, or actions are impacting a person’s thoughts and feelings. This practice normalizes self-awareness and situational awareness—helping people connect choices to their impact and feelings to causes. For trauma-impacted youth, affective statements may be their first opportunity to verbalize their feelings in connection to what is happening to them, and their first chance to hear others do the same.
Over the past year, TLC’s Trauma Training Manager, Eurinika Harris, MSW, has been working with Coatesville Area School District to train teachers in trauma-informed restorative practices. According to Harris, affective statements are made with three simple steps:
- Identify the emotion you are feeling.
- Describe the specific behavior or event that triggered the emotion.
- Share your needs or expectations.
Pro-active Affective Statements can sound like this:
- “I felt frustrated when I could not understand the math problem. I need you to explain it another way.”
Teachers can model affective statements for students, integrating the practice into the reinforcement of good behaviors:
- “I was so happy when I saw the way you invited the new student to play with you at recess. It can be so scary to be the new kid. We need to make people feel welcome in our class.”
Parents can also use affective statements at home, to affirm, empower, and encourage their children when they make good choices, and to show them how their decisions impact the people around them:
- “Hey, I like the way you got up and got ready for school this morning. You were on time, and I didn’t even have to tell you. I really needed your help to stay on schedule.”
Affective questions foster curiosity and give people space to learn how to articulate and listen to the thoughts and feelings of others. Affective questions give trauma-impacted people opportunities to talk about root cause thoughts or feelings that may otherwise have been dismissed or ignored. Affective questions can awaken students to the thoughts and feelings behind the choices they are making, as well as their cause and impact. Affective questions coach people to create affective statements. Harris also described the three-step process of creating an affective question:
- Begin with a gentle and non-judgmental tone.
- Encourage the person to express their feelings and thoughts.
- Listen attentively and ask follow-up questions to deepen understanding.
Pro-active affective questions can sound like this:
- “How did that situation make you feel?”
- “What emotions are coming up for you right now?”
- “Can you share your perspective on the issue?”
Let’s return to that interrupted math lesson. Jake is crying on the floor. A red-faced Miles sits frozen in his seat, fists clenched, staring straight ahead. It’s the teacher’s first day back in class after being introduced to restorative practices. How could affective statements and affective questions change what happens next – for each person involved?
About TLC
The Lincoln Center for Family and Youth (TLC) is a social enterprise company serving the Greater Philadelphia Area. Among its five divisions, TLC offers School-based Staffing Solutions, Mobile Coaching and Counseling, and Heather’s Hope: A Center for Victims of Crime. These major programs are united under TLC’s mission to promote positive choices and cultivate meaningful connections through education, counseling, coaching, and consulting.
About the Author
MaryJo Burchard (Ph.D. in Organizational Leadership) is co-founder and principal of Concord Solutions, a Virginia-based consultancy firm focused on helping leaders and organizations thrive while facing major disruption. Concord Solutions offers consulting, coaching, training, research, and keynote speaking surrounding trauma-informed leadership and assessing and building change readiness, trust, and belonging.